Jan 02

The difference between knowing and learning

Happy-New-Year-2014-Awesome-free-HD-Image-wallpaper-picture-photo-screenshot-download-14-250x250Today I was thinking about how great my life feels when I let go of every expectation. And I mean EVERY expectation, of my husband, my job, my family and friends, anything. This is something that I have known for a long time but this morning I was thinking about whether or not I had really learned it.

To me, the difference between knowing and learning is this: When I know something it’s familiar to me. I read it in a book and think “yes that’s right.” When I’ve learned something it’s integrated into my life and daily behavior. This learning can be good or bad. From my mother, I learned that love is conditional on how much I do for the person who loves me. I learned early on from my family that it is best not to trust anyone and that being vulnerable was the same thing as being exposed to attack. These are things that I’ve been trying to replace with new learning for most of my life.

Here is my inventory of questions for creating a year full of beautiful moments in 2014, based on the difference between knowing and learning:

  • What can I be grateful that I’ve learned that is healthy and positive for me?
  • What has that learning replaced?
  • What have I learned that I would like to replace with new learning?
  • What do I know that I would like to truly learn instead of just knowing?

Truly learning to have no expectations is one of my answers to the last question. I was deeply disappointed by someone’s behavior recently. Was this because I had developed certain expectations of this person? Or because I have expectations that if I allow someone into my inner circle (i.e. moving from co-worker or acquaintance to friend) I have expectations of how they’ll behave?

Fortunately I was able to recognize this disparity between my expectations and reality quickly, and could remove the suffering that went along with the experience. It still hurts and disappoints but I am not suffering because of it. I guess this lesson and this experience, which was the furthest thing from what I wanted, was what I really needed to start my new year off right.

 

Dec 24

Is someone trying to stamp out your light this season?

Every moment is like this inside.

Every moment is like this inside.

What  I find terribly interesting is how the expectations of the season exaggerate others’ personalities. Some people find their generosity expand as they experience gratitude and a desire to extend that goodwill to others. Some people feel a terrible magnification of their loneliness, isolation and/or addiction. (I know this was true of me when I was in my full-blown chemical dependency and alcoholism.)

For some people the holidays remind them that their life is not fulfilling and that they are not happy. And a subset of those people seek to find others with a bright light. Instead of warming themselves in that light they attempt to stamp it out. I’ve found that like other personality traits this one is magnified during the holidays as well.

Last night I received a rather disturbing note from a client. She buried some admonishment into a rather muddled long email and then after that wished me a happy holiday. This woman is a lonely, overweight, aging woman who buries herself in her work and lives vicariously through her glamorous CEO boss. (This sounds mean and judgmental I know, but it’s what my guides are telling me about her. ) I do like her but it’s obvious she is threatened by me. At first I was highly bothered by the email but what I’ve learned is that these people are sad and need prayer more than anything.

if you have a bright light you may have experienced others coming after you, perhaps in a corporate setting, to try to undermine your credibility or impact your success. They seem to know the buttons that expose your vulnerability and can be a source of great stress and angst. And they heighten their activity at times like the holidays, or perhaps when you may be receiving special recognition for something you’ve done. Keep in mind this person might be a family member or friend as well. Those of us with narcissistic mothers are even more apt to take these people to heart , for it feels like the familiar to how our mothers always tried to steal the limelight.

I have had others trying to stamp out my light most of my life. If someone is doing this to you here are a few things that really help me move through the situation gracefully: Read the rest of this entry »

Nov 25

I’m leaving it all up to you

I thought I was getting more into the habit of writing but this month has thrown me for yet another loop (or set of loops). My mother, with whom I’ve had a complicated relationship as you know if you’ve been reading this blog, has decided not to do anything about the tumor growing in her lung. Granted, she’s 78 however she’s been repeatedly assured by doctors that it’s Stage 1 and highly curable if she would only have the surgery.

I understand her decision and again, I don’t understand it. But what I’m coming to realize is that while I want my mother to have the best care, and hopefully not die a horrible death, it’s her decision. And so I’m leaving it all up to my Higher Power. She could live another ten or even 20 years. Or she could fail quickly. Or anything in between. I don’t know what will happen.

Yesterday when she told me this I was very upset. One of the benefits of having OCD is that organizing and cleaning for me are very soothing activities. I got to work on folding clothes neatly, moving them around in my closet, and vacuuming spider webs. All the while feeling very blue. As I walked by my spare bedroom, I saw a hangar fly out of the closet and land on the floor. This didn’t scare me as I knew it was a spirit reminding me that there was more to life than, well, life,  and that there were others there to help me. I have to let my mom follow her own path, as painful and troublesome as it may be. Or not be. We’ll see what happens.

Have spirits ever manifested things for you in times of need?

Nov 03

Where does psychic information come from?

Have I mentioned I spent the first 16 years of my career working in the technology industry? I’m not sure how this is going to fit in with my newer path, but it does lend itself to some nice analogies/comparisons that not many people will understand.

I wonder all the time where this information comes from, but I have a few theories and they all seem to be modeled after things that are going on in the tech world.  For example a friend of mine had a blind date with someone this weekend. When she asked me about him, I knew he had ADD. Sure enough, one of the first things he told her was that he struggled with ADHD.

I’ve mentioned before that sometimes I’m given validating information to help the other person “trust” in the information that comes after that, things that can’t necessarily be verified at that time. I have no real idea where the data comes from that pops in my head, but I do have a theory. And it’s based on the same principles that guide cloud computing. You know, when you save your documents to Google Docs, you’re saving it in the “cloud” or when you run an app that doesn’t have to be installed on your hard drive.

I believe that all everyone’s information is stored in a giant database of sorts. I think that some people have a key to accessing that database and can ask for information and receive it in a fairly straightforward fashion. I think that maybe it’s connected to all of our higher consciousness. Just like a WIFI card can connect your computer to the Starbucks network. Some people like me get a huge knock on the head and can suddenly do this. Other people have been able to do it since birth. And some people train for years to do it. But I think we’re accessing information that’s stored elsewhere, in that great spiritual “cloud” somewhere that’s completely out of our realm of understanding. I guess I’d better read more about the Akashic records. Maybe that’s what I’m really talking about here. But I find it interesting to see how the tech world is slowly getting closer to mimicking how things work on the other side. I think our guides find it interesting as well.

Of course I don’t know this for sure. I’m sure when I get over to the other side my guides will be laughing hysterically at my attempts to explain all this. For all I know they’re doubled over right now. But I have this real left brain/right brain competition going on in my head. And that means I need to try to explain things, whether by reading quantum physics books or by mulling it over in my head.

This friend of mine thinks I should start doing readings on a regular basis. This terrifies me but I know I need to do it. I’ll keep you posted!

Nov 01

Searching for purpose

A dear friend of mine was paralyzed in a car accident this past spring. Her family is not always exactly supportive and her friends have become the “family” that helps her through this trauma.

This experience has led to some pretty deep conversations about life, pain and what it’s all about. Now my friend feels as though she’s been deprived of purpose in her life. A runner and overall athlete, she wonders what she can possibly “do” that could be meaningful.

I think sometimes that finding one’s purpose is part of our life’s Sacred Contract, as Caroline Myss would say. I don’t believe that events happen randomly and I do believe that we need to find the meaning in the dark places we have to walk through.

For my friend, I believe that she has the choice of learning to go deeper with her life to determine the spiritual purpose she was born for. Action is great but it is on the surface. Being a doctor is a job. Healing others is a purpose.

I believe that my purpose is to be a healer, but I get tied up in knots over the material wants of my life, my fear of being poor and my utter abhorrence at being judged. Right now in my life I am working to get beyond those perceived obstacles and move more fully onto my path. I’m not sure I can do it but I’m sure going to try.

Oct 27

It’s getting stronger

Today is my 52nd birthday. As a recovering addict and alcoholic, I’m thrilled to still be alive. The majority of those with my condition are either living some wasted experience somewhere or dead. A handful of us, at 52, are sober and living fairly good lives. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to be one of that handful but I don’t doubt it could change at any moment.

Last Thursday I worked at the wellness center again. This is a free center where people get dinner, social services, healing services and a hodgepodge of other things like free footcare and dental services. I am one of those that provide reiki/healing touch. (Actually I’m doing both of those a disservice to describe what I do as such. Really what I do is a blend of reiki and therapeutic touch and wherever my intuition takes me.)

People who come to me for healing at the wellness center say my hands get really hot. I feel a sort of vibration that changes based on what’s going on. Over the years I’ve learned what arthritis feels like and how to tell if something is recently injured or an old soreness. In the hospital where I volunteered I even felt an acute gallblatter attack and a guy with a horrific femur fracture (from chasing a drunk who wanted to drive home.)

I have some “regulars” now and they say it’s getting stronger. These people I trust. They are not rich artsy types trying to find purpose in life through alternative healing and wacky shamans, they are poor people who live hand to mouth. They are the finest, kindest, proudest people I’ve ever met and I love them. They never fail, in the midst of worrying about feeding their children and facing homelessness, to ask me how I am doing. They humble me and it is such a privilege to work on them. They are filled with stress and I feel blessed that I can give them a few minutes of peace.

They say it’s getting stronger and that my hands have become hotter. In the meantime I can see the angels who come with me on Thursdays and I wish I was independently wealthy so I could do this all the time.

Happy birthday to me. I am lucky to be alive and so blessed to have this gift that I am finally, at 52, starting to appreciate. Apparently I am a slow learner.

Oct 09

Ego and the past

I’m not sure if it’s my birthday or my sobriety anniversary coming up (or the combination of the two) but I’ve been thinking a lot about how much of my behavior in the past has been driven by ego. I used to have a “big” job and made well into six figures. As a manager, I was really focused on my employees and liked to know them well. But there was a piece of my management style that bothers me now. I know I can’t do anything about the past but I feel like I need to open this up and examine it.

I did nice things for my employees. I was caring and concerned and often went the extra mile for them. But I realize now that I often did those things not for them, but for me. I was so empty inside that I needed others to think I was “great” if not “the most amazing manager they’ve ever had.” I remember giving my first-class seat to a pregnant employee on a trip back from a conference. I eagerly told another person I had just done so. When they didn’t respond, I repeated it. His wife gave me a stare and said “Yes Bonnie that was really nice of you.”

That’s one of those things that I’m sure the other people don’t remember but I cringe every time I think of it. I wanted people to have a good opinion of me. It was about ME. And so I did nice things for those employees.

Today I wonder whether they knew that. And I realized that my inability to have anything but a shallow existence at that time was because my ego was leading so fully. I had to quit that job without any other plans in order to find myself. Today I catch myself doing those things occasionally but I hope for the most part, I am just trying to do the next right thing. My ego isn’t as caught up in it, but it’s taken more than a decade to make that change.

I always credit my concussion in 2009 with pulling back the veil so thoroughly in terms of seeing the other side. But now I’m beginning to wonder if that was just the final push, that this removal of ego is something my guides have been working on for a long time. And is the real impetus behind the kind of sight I have now.

I’m not sure anyone is reading this and it feels sometimes like a bunch of self-serving drivel. But putting it out in the universe helps me. And to those who are subscribed if it helps you at all, I’m glad.

Oct 08

Funerals

funeralsFunerals and memorials are interesting events for me. Today I went to the memorial service of a woman who passed away from cancer at age 58.  During the event she was standing right next to the leader of the service. Although I thought it was a nice service, she felt the gentleman in charge had a fairly monotone voice and should have been more inspiring. She also thought it was hilarious that none of those that spoke seemed to know how to use a microphone. At the end, she asked me to make sure her daughter was okay.

This is pretty much normal for me. I go to a funeral, the spirit who is there notices me noticing them, and then starts “chatting.” It’s not as though I see them with my eyes, it’s always a shadow and then they form in my mind’s eye. Although occasionally I do actually hear them talk, most of the time (and the easiest for them I’ve learned) is a kind of telepathic text messaging. They send me short messages that are not unlike a text. I think they know I’m not the most gifted when receiving and really need it short and sweet. If they get too complicated, or too fast, I often miss half the message. Most of the time these conversations stay between me and the spirit. Occasionally someone has asked and then I’ll tell them. But it’s really not something a grieving person is usually open to hearing, so I keep quiet. It’s enough to know that the loved one is happy and safe. I try to send that energy to anyone who’s really sad as something I can do.

Once, I was at a funeral for a father and three sons who were killed in a plane crash. Although this father (a rather high energy sort, to say it nicely) had been pretty communicative the entire time the plane was lost and before the service, I still thought it would be sad. But the boys and their father seemed to be just fine, watching their friends and basically hanging out. I also could tell they loved being together and had chosen to pass together as well. They weren’t ever meant to be apart, at least not in this lifetime.

I used to hate funerals, until I realized that at every single one the person for whom the service is being conducted is just hanging out, providing an ongoing commentary. (After they realize I know they’re there, at least.)  At no time have the “dear departed” been sad, or upset, not in the least. That makes me so happy. Although I felt so badly for the friends and family of this woman today, I knew she was fine. It just really made me want to enjoy my time here and let people know I love them.

I can’t wait for my funeral. I hope I have as much fun as the spirits I’ve seen attending theirs so far.

 

Sep 24

Forgiveness and intuition

Last night I was at a meeting of a 12-step group that I’ve belonged to for years. Our discussion revolved around the fact that forgiveness was necessary to recovery. And that resentments were also an obstacle to recovery.

I think forgiveness is also necessary to connect with our higher consciousness. I believe that resentments, and the inability to forgive are functions of the ego. With too much ego it’s impossible to “tune in” to a higher source, look beyond the veil, listen to your guides, or however you want to phrase the ability to look for information from the other side.  There is a strong relationship between forgiveness and intuition.

I’ve written. about my mother  and how her narcissism has contributed to my abilities.  My mother can also be very cruel. I’ve learned how to protect my spirit around her so that I remain undamaged. This is where I differentiate between my ego and my spirit. My spirit needs protection from a powerful figure in my life who doesn’t view me as “separate.” However my mother is excellent practice for my ego in that no matter how hard I try, she will never be satisfied. And that need for her to say “hey you’re a great daughter” is my ego talking. The resentments that ensue when she unfailingly criticizes me instead are stumbling blocks to connection with the other side.

I must forgive my mother or I allow her to stand in the way of my connection to the other side and ultimately my higher power. I must forgive and pray for the “health wealth and happiness” of anyone that offends me or tries to hurt me. This may sound like a masochistic approach to life but I don’t seek out these people on purpose. Anyone will say they enter your life on a regular basis. If I have to deal with them, I try to take on that runner mentality. Forgive and pray for them, and eventually they will not bother me anymore. Or quite as much (well no one’s perfect.)

Because ultimately I value my connection with the other side more than I value being “right”.

If you’re working on forgiveness, Mary Hayes Grieco is one of the true gurus in this area.

Sep 17

How do I see what I see

Last Saturday I had the pleasure of joining my paranormal investigation team on a trip to a favorite location. When I got there one of the investigators was staring at me with her giant, wide-open third eye. I casually mentioned to her that her third eye was wide open (because if you’re unaware of this, it can be a bad thing). She looked at me and said “Gosh I was just thinking I had my third eye wide open for this investigation.”

She mentioned that to someone else that night and they wanted to know how I “saw” that. How do I see what I see? I couldn’t really describe it, but I thought about the question the next day. So I’m going to attempt to explain how I “know” certain things.

How do I see what I see?

Some things just come to me, like my friend’s third eye. I know something without a shadow of a doubt. Occasionally, I think it’s actual information that’s been delivered the good old fashioned way, and this can get me in hot water. I asked a friend of mine whether or not she had heard about a job she was interviewing for. She coldly told me she had informed “absolutely no one” she was interviewing and asked me who had told me from the company! That was a tough one. Read the rest of this entry »

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